my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
