Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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