my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
