well I can't set my house on fire every night
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
