I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize