well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I can't put those talents on a resume
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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