i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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