I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
