She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Don't make out with my wife yet
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
