she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
