I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
