I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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