Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Drunk is a universal language darling
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
