either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize