Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
