Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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