went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just threw up on my dentist
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
