Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
