your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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