my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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