I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
