I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
