And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
