I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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