When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
