I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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