yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
