I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
How does it feel to date your dad?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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