Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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