You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
