Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
