The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
