Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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