Someone shit on the floor
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
