sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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