I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
