he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize