I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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