i need an iv and a liver transplant
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
