"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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