i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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