So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
