Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
this boner is exhausting
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize