I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
