I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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