i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize