i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
