woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Green mimosas i think yes
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize