You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
it was like eating out sand paper
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
