I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
