He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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