nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
