They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
