So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We need to get me chipped asap
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