so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
