I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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