I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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