dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
