Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
