You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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