His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
