How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Randomize
