Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
