she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize