Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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