I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
