I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
