So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
