trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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